she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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