Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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