I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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