I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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