I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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