for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
worst night to have a conscience
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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