Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
