i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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