I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
