I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
