I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
