Cold hands, warm shart.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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