bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
