It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
