I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
