we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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