oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Randomize
