you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
