She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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