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meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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