I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
