Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
