I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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