I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize