apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
