Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
