Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
