Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
