Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
