Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize