I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize