hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
