Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
