afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
