That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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