There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
