apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My feet surprised me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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