So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
