so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
