i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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