just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
