So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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