i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize