I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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