i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
