Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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