This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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