things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
