I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
