I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
