I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
