Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
