i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
