At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
