I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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