you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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