You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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