I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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