Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
