I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
